Last week, the iPhone 6 was released, or was it
the 7? Maybe it was the 8. I don’t even know which one I have anymore. As you
can tell, I was very excited about the release of yet another expensive phone,
which will be obsolete and replaced two times before you finish reading this.
Did our parents or grandparents go through this
hassle? Nana had an avocado green, rotary dial wall phone for as long as I can
remember. She died in 1985 having never owned a push button phone. Grandma had
a white table top rotary phone for as long as I can remember, and she died in
1992 also having never owned a push button phone.
I remember when my mother had the phone company
replace our flesh-tone rotary phones with white push button phones, so we could
have that wonderful feature “Call Waiting.”
I hate Call Waiting.
I think there is nothing ruder than Call
Waiting. “So, what did Marge say … oh wait … I’m getting another call. Hold
on.” In other words, I will talk to you until someone more interesting or
important comes along.
Dear Abby, who is also dead, said when one is
put on hold by Call Waiting, only wait for thirty seconds then hang up. I still
do that. I don’t know how many times I have been called back and heard, “Did I
disconnect you?” No, asshole, I hung up.
I never take the other call. I hate being
interrupted, so I just let it ring.
I have a friend who calls, and if another call
comes in, automatically says good bye and hangs up. He is more of an
acquaintance now that I think about it.
I have another friend who when the Blue Tooth
ear piece came out refused to go anywhere without wearing his. He wanted
everyone to know he had this thing in his ear, and when he got a call, he would
loudly start the conversation to be sure you knew he was on the phone. The conversations weren't even interesting.
I have a neighbor who always has her Blue Tooth
in her ear. She is walking her dog at 4:30 am while wearing that damn thing.
Who is calling her? We live in a trailer park. The only calls we get that early
are when Scooter needs bail money.
I am the only person I know who will let a phone
ring if I am having a conversation with someone. I have never said, “Hold that
thought; I need to answer this.” I had a boss who found this disturbing. She
would be talking, well more like barking, and my phone would ring. I would
ignore it. That is why they invented Voice Mail. Ironically, this same woman
would always interrupt me when I was on the phone.
None of this is relevant anymore because
everyone texts these days. I still talk, and when I do, it is on one of five
rotary phones I have in my house.
Back to the lines. Mother didn’t wait in line to
trade in her flesh-tone phone. By the way, flesh-tone is more like
cadaver-tone. The phone man came out and exchanged them for us. We also leased
the phones. They were warrantied and weighed a ton.
I never stand in line. If I go to a restaurant and there’s a line, I leave. If I am at a car club event or Bar Mitzvah and everyone is standing in line for the food, I wait until everyone has gone
through the line. Why stand? The food will be there when they are done.
I also hate being behind people at a buffet,
especially when there is a sandwich assembly thing going on. People are so
stupid and rude. Just pick up your meat and bread, slap some mayo and mustard
on your plate, grab some tomatoes and lettuce, and keep moving. You don’t need
to completely assemble your sandwich while standing in line and hold up
everyone else.
The worst are the half people. You know these
people. They take half of everything. They cut bagels in half, muffins in half,
donuts in half. No one eats the other half. I repeat, NO ONE EATS THE OTHER
HALF. Just take the whole goddamn thing! They are just trying to act demure as
if they have never eaten a whole donut. Please. I can see your ass. Everyone on
the East Coast can see your ass. You’ve eaten a dozen donuts while watching The
View.
How did I end up talking about food? Oh right.
I’m Jewish. All we care about is food – regardless of the venue.
“Aunt Ida, I went to a Klu Klux Klan meeting
last night.”
“What did they serve?”
This is about phones and our planned
obsolescence.
The iPhone reminds me of the 1955 Chevrolet.
This car was so perfect they redesigned it the next year and the year after
that, and for 59 years, they have been trying to recapture the essence of the
1955 Chevy.
I understand technology is essential to an
ever-changing world, but do we go too far? What can this phone do that mine
doesn’t? I can call, text, check Facebook every five seconds to see if another
picture of Rose Marie got any likes, and I receive emails – 90 percent of which
are ads and junk.
The worst part is the expense. Grandma and Nana
had a gas bill, an electric bill, a water bill, a phone bill, and rent. That
was it. The television was broadcast free over the polluted air waves and
received by their antennas. They even got up to change the channels. They
didn't need 600 channels. No one needs 600 channels.
I have the above bills plus an iPhone bill and
cable bill, which includes fees for Internet and phone. I love my cable bill. I wanted to cancel my cable land line at one
point (replacing it with an old fashioned land line), and they said my bill
would increase by $50 a month. I wanted to cancel 596 of the 600 channels I
receive, and they said my bill would increase another $50 a month. I am paying
for channels I have never watched to save money?
Bundling.
I hate bundling. My life is one big bundle of
wires. The more bundling and wireless I go, the more crap I have plugged into
the walls.
And now, you expect me to wait in line for a
phone I don’t want or need?
Never.
What I really want to do is unplug. Completely
unplug.
If I got one of those converter boxes for the
television, I could watch the five channels that broadcast my shows. I could
pay for internet access alone, and with the Roku, I could watch other shows as
they are released. I would get rid of the DVR. Is it that important that I
never miss a show? I could wait for the show to appear on Hulu. I could get a
normal land line.
Well, I did the math, and basically, I am
screwed, and so are you. To get a normal land line, I need to pay for installation
of phone jacks in three rooms, since the kitchen has the only phone jack.
They don’t put phone jacks in houses anymore. I had to buy a brand new home.
Getting rid of the cable and going with only internet access and Hulu and
Netflix would end up costing more.
Why don’t I just watch whatever is on my five
channels when I am awake? I used to do that before they invented the VCR. Maybe
I should get a VCR? I wonder if my Betamax is still in the shed?
I could be really radical, and I could get rid
of the iPhone and not have any cell phone at all. I lasted 42 years without a
cell phone. Yes, I was the last guy to get one.
Or, I could just sit here and kvetch.
But, don’t expect me to stand in line and
kvetch. I do my kvetching sitting down.
Before you unplug, order my books:
www.miltonstern.com.
