Was it the Jackson Five who sang “One bad apple don’t spoil the whole
bunch, girl”? Are you humming that now? I apologize. You will have that song
stuck in your head for the rest of the day.
I don’t like negative people. I can be just as negative as the next guy
when the situation calls for it, but for the most part, now that I have entered
my latter middle-aged years, I tend to accept things and go with the flow and try to stay positive.
Have you picked yourself up off the floor?
Seriously. I will give you an example. Last time I had to go to the
DMV, or as we call it in Maryland, the MVA, I made up my mind I would be there
for six hours, so I took a book, and relaxed. Well, I was in and out in four hours,
so my mood was great when I left. See how easy it is to be happy?
Is this the case in every state with the DMV? Who gets hired by the DMV? I have
never met a DMV employee outside the DMV. Who would apply to work at the DMV?
You have to be seriously deranged to want to work there. Think about it. You
will only be hired if you are an incompetent moron, and you will spend the
entire day being yelled at and listening to people complain when you tell them
they did not bring the right form after they waited three hours to come to your
window.
There are people who run businesses where they will do all the legwork
for you. What kind of sadistic-masochist establishes a business where he spends
all his time at the DMV? I would rather live out of unrestored Rambler on a lift in a musty garage.
But, this is not about the DMV or MVA or whatever your red state calls the
hell hole where you register your car. But, in a way, it is about cars.
I grew up around negative people – really negative people. The rest of
you call them Jews. My father was the most negative person who ever lived. My
brother would call him Eeyore. Whenever he would say something, he would look
at the floor and shake his head. “Oh woe is me.” Talk about annoying.
I don’t think he was ever happy. Let me rephrase that. He was only
happy if he was unhappy, and nothing made him happier than something bad
happening to someone else. When my apartment in Newport News was robbed soon
after I moved in, he said with a smile, “I guess moving there didn’t save you
any money.” He was thrilled that I was a victim of a crime.
My mother’s reaction was, “I assume you don’t have renter’s insurance.”
My apartment was robbed, and this was their reaction! And people wonder
why I am not a serial killer, but they can see why I am such a caustic bitch.
I did have renter’s insurance, and by the way I am fine. It was
twenty-four years ago, but thanks for asking.
Beverly Sills told Merv Griffin (I miss Merv Griffin) that the secret
to a happy life is to get rid of all the negative influences in your life. I
have done this.
I have a couple of friends, each of whom socialize with a circle of friends,
whom I find to be negative and nasty (wow, two whoms in one sentence). I have not been able to figure this out.
Are they that desperate to have a crowd around them that they will tolerate
just about anything? There are a lot of people like this who cannot stand to be
alone, so they will seek out anyone who will spend time with them regardless of
how annoying and negative they are.
I am the opposite. I spend a lot of time alone because I find myself
more fascinating than I do other people. OK, even I can’t keep a straight face
when saying that.
Beverly Sills also said during that interview with Merv, “As you go
through life, you will find you have just a few real friends; the rest are just
acquaintances.” I totally agree with this, which is why I don’t suffer from
Paula Abdul syndrome, meaning I don’t travel with an entourage. Or, is it because people cannot stand to be around me?
For many years, I have been doing volunteer work, and as you know from
my prior entrees in this blog, I am a number eleven. I join, become their
newsletter editor, and within a year, I am a benevolent despot running their
organization with an iron fist. I do everything short of banging my shoe on the
desk.
One of the drawbacks of being in the leadership on a volunteer board is
that you have to deal with all the negativity, especially from people who never
lift a finger to do anything. They always start every sentence with, “You know
what you should do?”
I always answer, “Why don’t you do it?”
What I want to say is, “You know what you should do? Go fuck yourself.”
They are also the ones who always complain about the food. I realize
this is a Jewish thing. The food was terrible and the portions were so small. But,
I didn’t sign that part of the contract when I was in the hall of souls waiting
to pick the dysfunctional, alcoholic, deranged family from which I would be
borne. If I go to an event, I am happy with scrambled eggs and toast for
breakfast, a sandwich at lunch, and meat and potatoes for dinner. Who cares?
Did I really go to this event to eat or to see people and have a good time …
and if possible, get a blow job?
Last week, our car club hosted the LCCI Grand Invitational. More than
300 gay guys and their cars came to Rehoboth Beach to have fun, socialize, get
drunk, get laid, and perhaps win a trophy. Now, you would think with more than
300 screaming queens in one hotel, that there had to be several negative ones
around, but surprisingly, there was only one. Just one! However, he more than
made up for everyone else.
The sad part is that he is someone I consider a friend, but in the last
year, he has become such a bitter old granny (no offense to grannies) even
though he is my age. Thank God, I am not bitter.
I believe he truly wanted the event to be a disaster, so that he could
say, “See I told you that wouldn't work.” Every time something went well – and by
the way, everything did – he found something else to complain about.
On the day of our car show, we served breakfast until 11:00 am, so we
decided to serve lunch at 1:30 pm. The other reason we served lunch later was
that people tend to leave after the meal is served, so this way they would
stick around a bit longer. Dinner was not to be served until around 9:00 pm
that evening.
Well, old blue-hair wannabe started whining about how he was hungry and
had to buy a snack rather than feed off his own fat, and why is lunch so late,
and why is his car parked here. Whine, whine, whine. He isn’t even Jewish. I
didn’t even acknowledge him. I channeled Beverly Sills and walked away. Sadly,
one of his closest friends confided in me that he couldn’t take it anymore and
quit speaking to him.
I told that friend of his that if I ever acted like that he had
permission to run over me at the next car show, but be sure to do it with a Nash
or Hudson.
As regimented as I am, when I am on vacation or at an event, I go with
the flow. Just enjoy life. I take so few vacations, that I try to just have a
good time ... and if I am lucky, get a blow job.
Sadly, granny is pushing everyone away from him. I watched my father do
this with his negativity.
While this isn’t the funniest thing I have ever written, I just want
people to step back and really think about what is important in life. Don't push people away with your negativity. It is very difficult to get a long-distance blow job.
If you like what you read, buy my
goddam book! The Gay Jew in the Trailer Park on Kindle and Amazon and at your
favorite book seller if you ask them.
