One Kvetchy Queen

Was it the Jackson Five who sang “One bad apple don’t spoil the whole bunch, girl”? Are you humming that now? I apologize. You will have that song stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

I don’t like negative people. I can be just as negative as the next guy when the situation calls for it, but for the most part, now that I have entered my latter middle-aged years, I tend to accept things and go with the flow and try to stay positive.

Have you picked yourself up off the floor?

Seriously. I will give you an example. Last time I had to go to the DMV, or as we call it in Maryland, the MVA, I made up my mind I would be there for six hours, so I took a book, and relaxed. Well, I was in and out in four hours, so my mood was great when I left. See how easy it is to be happy?

Is this the case in every state with the DMV? Who gets hired by the DMV? I have never met a DMV employee outside the DMV. Who would apply to work at the DMV? You have to be seriously deranged to want to work there. Think about it. You will only be hired if you are an incompetent moron, and you will spend the entire day being yelled at and listening to people complain when you tell them they did not bring the right form after they waited three hours to come to your window.

There are people who run businesses where they will do all the legwork for you. What kind of sadistic-masochist establishes a business where he spends all his time at the DMV? I would rather live out of unrestored Rambler on a lift in a musty garage.

But, this is not about the DMV or MVA or whatever your red state calls the hell hole where you register your car. But, in a way, it is about cars.

I grew up around negative people – really negative people. The rest of you call them Jews. My father was the most negative person who ever lived. My brother would call him Eeyore. Whenever he would say something, he would look at the floor and shake his head. “Oh woe is me.” Talk about annoying.

I don’t think he was ever happy. Let me rephrase that. He was only happy if he was unhappy, and nothing made him happier than something bad happening to someone else. When my apartment in Newport News was robbed soon after I moved in, he said with a smile, “I guess moving there didn’t save you any money.” He was thrilled that I was a victim of a crime.

My mother’s reaction was, “I assume you don’t have renter’s insurance.”

My apartment was robbed, and this was their reaction! And people wonder why I am not a serial killer, but they can see why I am such a caustic bitch.

I did have renter’s insurance, and by the way I am fine. It was twenty-four years ago, but thanks for asking.

Beverly Sills told Merv Griffin (I miss Merv Griffin) that the secret to a happy life is to get rid of all the negative influences in your life. I have done this.

I have a couple of friends, each of whom socialize with a circle of friends, whom I find to be negative and nasty (wow, two whoms in one sentence). I have not been able to figure this out. Are they that desperate to have a crowd around them that they will tolerate just about anything? There are a lot of people like this who cannot stand to be alone, so they will seek out anyone who will spend time with them regardless of how annoying and negative they are.

I am the opposite. I spend a lot of time alone because I find myself more fascinating than I do other people. OK, even I can’t keep a straight face when saying that.

Beverly Sills also said during that interview with Merv, “As you go through life, you will find you have just a few real friends; the rest are just acquaintances.” I totally agree with this, which is why I don’t suffer from Paula Abdul syndrome, meaning I don’t travel with an entourage. Or, is it because people cannot stand to be around me?

For many years, I have been doing volunteer work, and as you know from my prior entrees in this blog, I am a number eleven. I join, become their newsletter editor, and within a year, I am a benevolent despot running their organization with an iron fist. I do everything short of banging my shoe on the desk.

One of the drawbacks of being in the leadership on a volunteer board is that you have to deal with all the negativity, especially from people who never lift a finger to do anything. They always start every sentence with, “You know what you should do?”

I always answer, “Why don’t you do it?”

What I want to say is, “You know what you should do? Go fuck yourself.”

They are also the ones who always complain about the food. I realize this is a Jewish thing. The food was terrible and the portions were so small. But, I didn’t sign that part of the contract when I was in the hall of souls waiting to pick the dysfunctional, alcoholic, deranged family from which I would be borne. If I go to an event, I am happy with scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast, a sandwich at lunch, and meat and potatoes for dinner. Who cares? Did I really go to this event to eat or to see people and have a good time … and if possible, get a blow job?

Last week, our car club hosted the LCCI Grand Invitational. More than 300 gay guys and their cars came to Rehoboth Beach to have fun, socialize, get drunk, get laid, and perhaps win a trophy. Now, you would think with more than 300 screaming queens in one hotel, that there had to be several negative ones around, but surprisingly, there was only one. Just one! However, he more than made up for everyone else.

The sad part is that he is someone I consider a friend, but in the last year, he has become such a bitter old granny (no offense to grannies) even though he is my age. Thank God, I am not bitter.

I believe he truly wanted the event to be a disaster, so that he could say, “See I told you that wouldn't work.” Every time something went well – and by the way, everything did – he found something else to complain about.

On the day of our car show, we served breakfast until 11:00 am, so we decided to serve lunch at 1:30 pm. The other reason we served lunch later was that people tend to leave after the meal is served, so this way they would stick around a bit longer. Dinner was not to be served until around 9:00 pm that evening.

Well, old blue-hair wannabe started whining about how he was hungry and had to buy a snack rather than feed off his own fat, and why is lunch so late, and why is his car parked here. Whine, whine, whine. He isn’t even Jewish. I didn’t even acknowledge him. I channeled Beverly Sills and walked away. Sadly, one of his closest friends confided in me that he couldn’t take it anymore and quit speaking to him.

I told that friend of his that if I ever acted like that he had permission to run over me at the next car show, but be sure to do it with a Nash or Hudson.

As regimented as I am, when I am on vacation or at an event, I go with the flow. Just enjoy life. I take so few vacations, that I try to just have a good time ... and if I am lucky, get a blow job.

Sadly, granny is pushing everyone away from him. I watched my father do this with his negativity.

While this isn’t the funniest thing I have ever written, I just want people to step back and really think about what is important in life. Don't push people away with your negativity. It is very difficult to get a long-distance blow job.

If you like what you read, buy my goddam book! The Gay Jew in the Trailer Park on Kindle and Amazon and at your favorite book seller if you ask them.