I admit it. I don’t get most of today's music, but to be honest, I didn’t get much of yesterday's music either. I was never a fan of rock or heavy metal or folk or even country (until recently). I often think I was either born forty years too late or reincarnated too soon after my last time on this planet. I don’t use earphones, and I don’t listen to really loud music, unless of course, it is a show tune.
My preference is for crooners who can actually sing with an orchestra behind them – the bigger the belter, the better. I truly appreciate a good orchestra, and the movement to limit orchestra size for Broadway shows is a huge mistake and seriously affects the musical quality of the shows.
Back in the day, they didn’t have auto tune. They especially didn’t have those weird ear pieces, so they could hear what they sounded like. They knew they sounded good, which brings me to a point. If the ear piece enables you to hear how you sound to the audience, why do some of you keep singing?
If I were performing in concert, and I heard what Justin Beiber must hear in that ear piece, I would retire right then and there, walk off the stage and save the rest of the world from any more exposure to my antics. He hosted Saturday Night Livelast year, and he tried to show some dance moves and sing acapella. Oh my dear lord, he couldn’t sing, but the audience went wild. Is the entire world tone deaf now? I cannot even comment on his dancing, which consisted of sliding his foot across the floor. He looked like Cyd Charisse with Huntington’s Disease.
Watch old MGM movies (as opposed to new ones) and you will notice all Cyd Charisse ever did was lift her leg and have a bunch of queens in tuxedos drag her all over the room. Yet, we always applauded and cheered. I try that every Thursday night, but no one ever applauds. Once, I pulled a groin muscle.
Back to Bieberhead – this little shit walks around shirtless with his underwear all out for the world to see with hunched over posture trying to be all ghetto and gangsta. Seriously? Your effeminate hairless ass is from Canada, you freak! Is it obvious I really cannot stand him?
Then, there is his buddy, Miley Cyrus. Here is what is sad about Achy Breaky’s offspring. She can actually sing, but she wants to be all cool rocker chick with her three-pack-a-day voice. What I want to know is how she went from Hannah Montana to Hannah the Ho Needs an Ointment? I cannot begin to tell you what I thought of her VMA performance, but I hear Robin Thicke had a fungus on the front of his pants even his dry cleaner wouldn’t touch.
As shocking as her performance was, this was not the first time for the VMAs. Madonna humped the stage in a wedding dress while singing “Like a Virgin,” as if she ever were one. Talk about a no-talent. Have you ever heard Madonna actually sing? Go on YouTube and look up “Madonna,” “Oscars,” “Dick Tracy.” She sang “Sooner or Later” by Steven Sondheim. It was a bigger train wreck than the ones they have in Mumbai. That is why they call her a performer. However, unlike Bieshit and Cyrcyst, she can dance.
There are others I don’t get. Who is this Drake guy? He isn’t even good looking, he does incoherent rap, and he is all the rave. Women want to have sex with him. If I were a woman and I heard him rapping, I wouldn’t let him perform cunnilingus on me with that mouth.
Speaking of incoherent, what is up with Kanye West? Other than marrying that ho of all hos from the family of hos, Kim Kardashian. I have seen him perform – if that is what it is called – and I cannot make heads or tails of what he is doing. Is this rap? It sure as hell ain’t singing. He sounds like someone who is beginning his methadone treatments. I saw him being interviewed and talking about how God blessed him with his talent. If God blessed me with his talent, I would become an atheist.
My favorites are the ones who sound good on the radio but suck live. One of my favorite groups is Maroon 5 and not because Adam Levine is one hot Yid. When they first started out, they sounded great live, but ever since that skinny stud started working on The Voice, his voice has not been live-worthy. As a matter of fact, they started one episode of The Voice with all the judges singing together, each having a line of a song. Usher, Shakira and Blake sounded good, then it was Adam’s turn, and he sounded like a cat getting a pap smear. This is the case every time he sings live on television lately. He was on Ellen a few weeks ago, and my television may have been on too loud because my neighbor's cat committed suicide.
Oy, two cat jokes in one paragraph.
I know I should just switch channels or turn off the radio, but something happened a few weeks ago that made me more aware of just how many no talents make millions, get handed Grammys like M&Ms and are praised for their heavenly blessed art.
My beloved Eydie Gorme died. I have all her albums – all of them. I think she had one of the most beautiful and powerful singing voices ever. When I posted her obituary on Facebook, I was surprised at all the negative comments I received – all of which I deleted. One called her a “has been lounge singer.” I joke about a lot of things but never about the death of an icon. What was most surprising was that those who made the comments had never actually heard her sing. So, I posted a few clips. One of those negative nellies watched a clip and summed it up, “WOW! I never knew.” Yeah, you never knew because you grew up thinking a skinny white kid in baggy pants and no respect for anyone or himself who cannot sing or dance without electronic enhancements was a good singer.
A music teacher many years ago showed his choral class a clip of Judy Garland singing “Old Man River” from the closing of the first episode of her television show live. After watching it, one student asked if she was still alive, and another responded, “No one with that kind of talent who sings like that is still alive.” Yep.
Someone commented on a Judy Garland clip on YouTube once: “What is that warbling in her voice.” I responded, “It’s called VIBRATO, moron!”
Although she has the busiest vagina in the entire Western Hemisphere, I do like Taylor Swift’s music. No one dumps a guy through song better than she does! I also like Bruno Mars (a real crooner's voice), Pink (she can really sing!), Justin Timberlake (he is also a great entertainer), and the Red Hot Chili Peppers (I don't know why).
If you warble or have no vibrato, follow me, join me or buy my books: www.miltonstern.com.