I don’t Christmas shop. Big surprise I know, but my nephew is eighteen years old, and he would rather have cash than some ridiculous gift his fifty-year-old uncle thought would be perfect for a young American boy, such as the English Leather gift set, which includes cologne, aftershave and soap on a rope. How ridiculous is soap on a rope? Have you ever tried washing your feet with soap on a rope? If you can, Devon and I would like to make a video of that. Enough said.
Back in my day, there were gifts for boys and gifts for girls. While you may think I was drawn to girls’ toys, you would be sadly mistaken. I liked toy cars and trucks. My favorite was the Fire Truck Pedal Car Uncle Stanley gave me. When I was four years old, my brother and I were watching TV when a commercial for the Fire Truck Pedal Car from American Pedal Cars aired. I told Alex I wanted one. He said, “Go downstairs and ask Uncle Stanley to get you one.” He thought he was funny getting me to go downstairs and ask for a present because if you ever asked my parents for anything, you got the “we grew up during the Depression” speech – which was more like a scream and a yell than a speech – and you were made to feel like the most rotten kid on the planet, and sometimes you were spanked. No wonder three therapists quit on me.
Well, I marched downstairs, interrupted the grown-ups’ conversation, and said, “Uncle Stanley, can I please have a fire truck for Hanukah?” He smiled at me and said, “Sure.”
I went upstairs, and my brother, who thought I would return in tears, was shocked when I was smiling. But then, I worried. I didn’t ask for a Fire Truck Pedal Car; I asked for a fire truck. “Oh fuck me,” I said. However, I didn’t press my luck by going downstairs to clarify my request. I just waited patiently for the Festival of Lights.
Well, Uncle Stanley, who was the polar opposite of his brother, my father, delivered. I had a shiny red Fire Truck Pedal Car. My first car! I drove it around the house all night. The next day, I drove it all over the yard. Around this time, my mother decided to have the shutters painted green, and the painter drove a white 1965 Ford Econoline van. He parked it in the driveway and blocked the path I had created with my first car. I was pissed. I think that was the first time I cussed like a New York cab driver while behind the wheel – “Goddammotherfuckinpieceofshitvan blockingmygoddampath fuckingsonofabitchasshole.” I still yell that when I am in a traffic jam.
Now, I was a car freak from an early age, but there was another toy I always wanted, but I never dared to ask for it. I got my Fire Truck Pedal Car, so I quit while I was ahead. That didn’t stop me from yearning. Remember the little wooden fake kitchenette, complete with oven, refrigerator, sink and cabinet that all the little girls had? I wanted one of those kitchenettes. It would have been perfect in my bedroom, and I would have created the most fabulous studio apartment in the Ivy Farms neighborhood in Newport News, Virginia. Alas, it was not to be because in the 1960s, one didn’t let his son wear a dress to school, call himself Melissa or have a dream kitchenette.
Interestingly, I never wanted to play with dolls. Dolls reminded me of babies and children, and even when I was a baby and a child, I didn’t like them. GI Joe wasn’t that buff then, and my mother thought he was a doll, so I never had one of those either because it would make me Gay.
How is that abstinence education working out for you, Mrs. Palin?
This morning, Hasbro announced they were going to market an Easy Bake Oven for boys beginning next year. Rather than being pink and purple, the boys’ version would be blue and black. Aren’t those the colors of the leather community? Or is it law enforcement?
I am pleased that Hasbro is making an easy bake oven for elementary school safety patrol officers or future dungeon masters, but what about all the little Gay boys out there who also want an oven.
Well, I have a few suggestions for my friends at Hasbro, Mattel and Milton Bradley.
Let’s start with that Easy Bake Oven. They should create one in chrome with black knobs for little Gay boys. Instead of that stupid light bulb, it will have convection cooking, a flat-top range and a plate warmer. And, let’s do away with that nasty cake batter. Gay boys limit their carbs and never eat cake. Instead, provide a quiche mix with a gluten-free crust (for their Lesbian playmates). For families on a budget, you can add the decorator pie plates from the Martha Stewart collection at K-Mart, and for those in the one-percent category, plates from the Ina Garten collection at Lord & Taylor.
While you are shopping for the Easy Bake Oven, look for the Gay version of that miniature wooden kitchenette I lusted after as a young wanker. The Ever-So-Fabulous Kitchenette would feature cabinets in dark cherry with Corian countertops and brushed aluminum hardware, complete with recessed lighting and include a complete set of All-Clad Stainless Steel cookware.
Remember that Fire Truck Pedal Car I loved so much? You should, it was only five paragraphs ago. For the little Gay boys, a BMW pedal car in charcoal, complete with GPS and the premium sound system. Why a BMW? Even pretentious Gay child assholes need toys for practice. For the rest of them, a Volkswagen Jetta pedal car will do. The adult versions leave the factory with a rainbow sticker permanently attached.
A favorite has always been Barbie’s Malibu Dream House, a pink monstrosity if ever there was one. No wonder Ken left her for Italian New Jersey Barbie’s Dream House Down the Shore. Ken needs a little Guidette snatch now and again. That Dream House comes with its own detached free clinic.
For our fabulous boys, let’s create Bruce’s Mid-Century Modern Palm Springs Dream House. All the furnishings would be from Levitz of Southern California, circa the 1950s, with lamps and accent pieces in coral and aqua. Parked in the driveway would be a Sherwood Green 1959 Imperial Crown convertible, and out back by the pool, would be Rock Hudson and Doris Day dolls sunning themselves on chaise lounges.
Due to the nature of this blog, I have to suggest an option for future trailer park queens. For them, I give you Rick’s Mobile Dream Home in Jessup. It would be a luxury double-wide with a gourmet kitchen, sunken living room and two Chevys in the driveway – one a pick-up truck and the other on blocks. Around the side, would be two buff boys sunning themselves by a plastic pool.
Now, Milton Bradley, you need to do something about Monopoly. This would be an easy fix. Instead of hotels and houses, have boutiques and summer rentals. For nine months out of the year, when you land on someone’s property and there is a boutique, you have to buy something. For three months out of the year, if you land on someone’s rental, first you pay rent, and then you have to cause insane drama with anyone else who has landed on that summer rental. If you play correctly, by the end of the game none of you should be speaking to each other.
Finally, GI Joe. Yes, the little soldier my mother thought would turn any boy queer. It is a good thing she didn’t live to see today’s juiced-up GI Joe. Now, that DADT has been repealed, GI Joe needs a new buddy – GI Steve. GI Steve’s body would be a little more cut (that no carb thing again), and his uniform would be more tailored to accentuate his V-shape and bubble-butt. GI Steve would have one additional accessory for when he goes on R&R – a camouflage square cut. Well, as long as we are giving him a camouflage square cut, give GI Steve a penis, too. Make it a nice circumcised one. It is all about the marketing.
I would offer a suggestion for a Gay version of the Barbie Beauty Salon, but I think it already is the Gay version of the Barbie Beauty Salon.
Here’s to hoping that shopping for that nephew who makes you wonder is a little easier this year. While straight girls are difficult when it comes to gift giving, Lesbians are a breeze. If your little niece shows Lesbian proclivities, just buy her a Sears Craftsmen starter toolkit. Every year, buy her a new tool, and when she is an adult, she will be ready to tackle the world … or at least repair it.
Here is to hoping there is an Easy Back Oven in your future.
If I have offended anyone with the above suggestions ... good!
Buy my book, and the royalties will be your Christmas present to me!