Monday, December 31, 2012

Don't Annoy Me in the New Year

Remember when you were little, and the big deal was to stay up until midnight to watch the ball drop? How many of you are now of an age where you go to bed at 10:00 pm on New Year’s Eve confident the ball will drop without any assistance from you?

As kids, we fought sleep with every bone in our bodies, and as adults, all our bones want to do is sleep, which brings me to my secular New Year’s resolution: Get more sleep!

That is the only resolution I will make. All the others are just bull shit; however, I do have a few resolutions that are affected by others’ lack of resolutions.

For example, I plan to unfriend anyone on Facebook who posts more than one political rant a week. In addition, I plan to unfriend anyone on Facebook who comments on my posts, which are mostly jokes, as if they are gospel. Or worse, have to one up me with some ninety-word sermon on why I am wrong.
Rule Number One: I am never wrong.
Rule Number Two: if I am wrong, refer to Rule Number One.

No more humorless friends. I also plan to unfriend anyone on Facebook who sends me messages telling me how he would like to rim me. Do I need to see that first thing in the morning in my notifications folder?

Who says that to a stranger? And let’s face it; if you have never met someone in person, you are strangers. Imagine walking up to a good looking guy on the train and saying, “Hi, I would like to lick your anus.” Better yet, I want to be there when you do that, so I can film it for America’s Funniest Homosexual Videos.

Now, let’s say you finally meet your virtual rim-fantasy friend in person. How do you greet each other? Does he turn around and bend over? Do you?

In the real world, I plan not to engage annoying people in conversation again. This could go both ways I assume. Some of the people who fall into this category are those who get all their news from blogs, written by unattractive people who don’t bathe and have not changed out of their bathrobes since Clinton was getting rim jobs from Monica. Did she send him a notification ahead of time?

For the record, I bathe, and I don’t own a bathrobe. You will just have to imagine what I am wearing.

I also plan no longer to engage with those who are full of negativity. The Eeyores of the world. I grew up with Eeyores. I cannot stand them. My father saw the black soot covered lining in every cloud. Beverly Sills said you should get rid of all the negative influences, and when you really think about it, all you really have are two or three good friends. The rest are acquaintances or sources for a loan.

And while I am on a roll, the ones who when you ask them how they are doing, actually tell you. I don’t care if you had a loose bowel movement this morning, if your cat had a migraine, or if your ass hurts from being in a sling in someone’s basement all night. Wait a minute. That last one might be a good conversation starter.

I went on a blind date around ten years ago, set up by a friend of mine whom I unfriended in the conventional way sometime later. I met my date at an Indian restaurant in Woodley Park. He was very attractive, tall with dark hair and all that. After the usual I’m from so-and-sos and I went to school at so-and-sos and I work at so-and-sos, he told me he was kind of tired from his activities the previous evening. He then went on to tell me how he went to his first sex party and performed oral sex on fourteen strangers. After making a mental note not to kiss him good night, I skipped completely over appalled and disgusted and went straight into journalist mode. Having never attended a sex party (to this day, I have not been invited to one either), I was curious about the logistics involved. Where does one put his wallet and keys? How do you protect the furniture? What do you serve? Who stays to clean up? Do you wear name tags? I received a great deal of information, and I never went out with Mr. Electrolux again.

What I forgot to ask was why he kept count?

Where was I? Oh yes. When someone asks how I am doing, I say, “I can’t complain.” Why complain? No one is going to listen. I do have the advantage of having a blog, so I complain here.

There are others on my list: Whisperers – people who are always huddled in a corner whispering for hours on end. Questioners – people who investigate you (I have to admit I catch myself doing this sometimes, and I find myself annoying when I do; just ask Devon). Awesomers – people who say “awesome” all the time; these people say “whatever” a lot, too.

As you can see, I have no resolutions, but thanks to me, if you want to remain my friend, virtual or otherwise, and be a better person, you have a lot of work to do.

It ain’t easy being perfect. If I can make the effort, so can you!

Have a very Happy New Year! May it be filled with joy, happiness and good health. If it isn’t, don’t tell me about it.

If you took most of the above seriously, before I unfriend you, follow me, get on my email list, and buy my damn books – go to

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